Dreamcrushers
by Hydraya
Summary: 100% illogical guarenteed! It's suitor day at Hyrule Castle,and the King, Zelda, and Link play their favorite game:Rejection. There's a reason why Link is now referred to as the "Dreamcrusher"... T for sexual refrences. Epilogue added!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Warning: I was hyper off of 7 large bottles of Sprite at 2 a.m. when I wrote this. The king is supportive of Zelda and Link as a couple and has as much fun rejecting suitors as Zelda does. Therefore, this story is crack. Enjoy!**

**Suitors…Again**

Zelda lounged on her throne, looking at the long line of suitors who wished to win her love. Ha. Right.

She turned to her left to see Link, who was sleeping on a folding chair that had been placed there for this particular event. Zelda giggled at the slight drool running from her fiancé's mouth.

A very small, very fat prince waddled up to her. He held out a box of chocolates (which, guessing from the chocolate around his mouth, he had already eaten) and said to her, "Princess Zelda, my love! Marry me! I will satisfy you physically and mentally! You will bear many children and be the richest woman in the world if you marry me! Please, my one true love!"

Zelda faked pondered for a minute. "Hmm… NO. Next!"

The fat prince burst into tears. "You love me! You know you do!"

"Um, no, no I don't. Now leave."

The little man bawled harder and ran out the door. "You have made yourself an enemy of Ethel Island! Prepare for war!" he shouted.

Zelda turned to her father, who has chuckling at the fat prince. "Isn't Ethel Island one of the smallest countries in the world?"

"Yes, my dear daughter. I have heard their military is composed of ten men."

"Can I marry Link now?"

"Not yet. Don't you want to reject some more suitors? It is dreadfully fun watching them cry or be humiliated by Link."

Zelda pondered this. "You're right. It's always nice to watch a grown man cry. Next!"

This time, a rather handsome prince walked up. One glance told Zelda he was very weak, very pale, and looked as if he'd never had to do anything in his life.

"Princess Zelda, will you accept my hand in marriage? You would bear my wonderfully handsome children and we would rule our empire together. What do you say, love?"

"I might consider, but answer this question…can you handle a sword?"

"A sword? Never! My assistants would handle that!"

"But what if we were attacked and you had to defend me? Can you defend your fair wife? Link! Dueling time, my dear!"

Link stirred and stood up, half-asleep. He grabbed his sword and made his way to the prince, who had been handed and sword and was trembling in fright.

"Cmomn, lez see was ya gots." Link mumbled sleepily.

The prince pushed out his sword, yelling "Hiya! Hiya! Take this, my contender!"

Link stared for a moment before tripping the prince. He held his sword to the prince's throat. "Yield?" The weak man nodded, before getting up and walking out in shame.

"Next!" Zelda yelled. Another prince, not handsome but not ugly, walked up to her.

"Dearest Zelda! I am the greatest warrior in my land! Join me and bear my children and be my wife."

Zelda thought of a challenge for the prince. "You may the greatest warrior, but are you the greatest drinker? In Hyrule, the king must be able to outdrink anyone."

The prince laughed. 'Of course! Now, who's my weak challenger?"

"Oh Linnnnnnnkkkk!" Zelda cooed.

Link chuckled at Zelda's challenge. Few knew that the Hero of Time could hold his liquor very, _very_ well. Link clicked his tongue, and servant rushed in, carrying two mugs of frothy ale. He set them down on a nearby table.

"This is Hyrule's strongest beer. If you can down the whole mug before, you can marry Zelda." Link said. _Like that's happening,_ the Hero thought.

"Ready, set, GO!" The King of Hyrule proclaimed from his throne. After a night of hard drinking, he knew what devastating effects that ale on the body.

The prince started to drink but gagged at first taste. Link, however, started chugging the whole thing, only stopping twice. The Hero finished before the prince managed to take two sips.

"Tough luck. Now get out." Link said. The prince turned and walked out, an angry look on his face.

"Father, I need a break. I'll be back soon." Zelda said. She got up and walked out into a nearby room.

"Gentlemen, the fair princess is taking a break. We will return shortly." With that, he and Link followed Zelda out.

Once in the room, the King of Hyrule burst out laughing. "That was magnificent! I've never seen rejection with such sleek beauty! You, my boy," he patted Link on the shoulder, "can sure drink an ale. How about we go out barhopping one night, eh lad?"

Link grinned. "That would fine, your Majesty. I've heard legends of your ability at bar games." He turned to Zelda and gave her a kiss. "I will be back soon."

Once he had left, the King turned to his daughter with a devilish grin on his face. "My daughter, I have thought of the perfect challenge…" With that, he whispered his plan to her, and Zelda almost burst out laughing.

* * *

A prince, fairly good-looking, walked up to Zelda. "My love Zelda! I will satisfy your every need if you marry me!"

"Every need? Are you sure?"

"I am positive."

"Then I propose a challenge! If you are bigger than Link over here, you can marry me."

Zelda snuck a glance at her father, who gave her a thumbs up. The princess clapped, and a maid came in with a ruler and a Hylian Porn Magazine.

"That room, please." Link and the prince took the items and walked into a nearby chamber. A few minutes later, Link came out grinning while the prince was weeping and kissing the ground around the Hero of Time's feet.

"My mighty God! The almighty boa constrictor! I am but a lowly earthworm!"

"Results?" Zelda asked, trying hard not to crack up.

"10 inches." Link proclaimed proudly. Zelda shivered in arousal at the thought.

"Him?"

"…4 inches."

At this, the prince started crawling out of the room, while the King and Zelda cracked up.

"Alright, alright… this won't get any funnier. Link and Zelda, you will be married tomorrow, and Link, you will rule as her equal, not her consort. I give you my blessings." The King proclaimed.

At this, Link and Zelda started spontaneously making out, while the suitors started crying and sadly went home.

This day inspired a game often played by the young maidens of Hyrule, in which the women have to think of the best challenges and worst rejections possible. They call it "Zelda's Game".

** I knew the King was sneaky! Reviews will be appreciated ;)**


	2. Epilogue

**A/N: This little epilogue came to me when someone mentioned "fighting a ten man army". **

**Epilogue**

Zelda squinted from her balcony. "Link? Could you come here for a minute?"

Link emerged from the room and stood next to his wife. "Yes, Zel?"

She pointed. "What is that?" Out in Hyrule field, a small band of figures was marching over the hill near Lon-Lon Ranch.

Link squinted at the figures. "Looks like soldiers. They're carrying a banner… Ethel Island?"

Zelda burst out laughing. "It's that fat prince I rejected! He came back to get me! Oh, this is too good!"

"Should I go out there?"

"Nah. Let 'em come closer. I wanna hear what he has to say."

Sure enough, they stopped outside Castle Town walls. A faint squeaking could be heard in the distance. "Zelda! Come with me!"

The aforementioned raised an eyebrow. 'Link?"

"On it." He took out a deku nut, and with a flash, he vanished.

"…I knew I shouldn't have taught him how to teleport."

"Lowly peasant! You will take us to the princess!" a lanky soldier commanded, clumsily lifting his spear.

"I don't think so." Link responded. In a quick kick, he tripped the soldier, grabbed his spear, and knocked out two others. Another tried to come on, but Link whacked him with the blunt of his sword.

A general (at least that was Link thought he was) came on. They started parrying for all of 7 seconds until Link ducked and slashed, sending him down. Five down, five to go.

Link let the soldiers get close before incinerating them with Din's fire. He turned to the prince, who didn't even now how to hold a sword.

"You're coming with me." He picked up the screaming prince and teleported.

Link re-appeared on the balcony. "How'd it go?" Zelda asked.

"Knocked out the soldiers in forty-five seconds."

"Where's the fat duck?" The princess asked curiously.

Link grinned. "Oh, he's somewhere special.

_ In the Shadow Temple_

The prince wandered into a room… with four hands sticking out of the ground. "H-hello? Any-anyone here?"

The prince curiously poked a hand. It grabbed his head, and the prince started shrieking. Something erupted behind him.

"AHHHH!!!!!!" he screamed as the Dead Hand greedily devoured its freshest meal.

**End**

**A/N: Hehe, Shadow Temple is the worst prison EVER!!!! Reviews will be appreciated.**

**-Adrenalinerush97**


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